Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Vote!

Sometimes, when I hear sanctimonious sportswriters spewing out diatribes on how cheating is ruining baseball, I find myself fondly remembering the good old days when liars and cheaters were easily noticeable to the naked eye. Liars, of course could be picked out be their flaming pants, and cheaters had pumpkin crumbs on the mouths and clothes. Alas, in these days of steroids, cheaters can only be ferreted out through complicated drug tests. But if the sanctimonious (and obviously inscrutably honest) sportswriters are correct, baseball must be rescued from these evil cheaters.
As baseball fans, it is about time that we put our collective foot down and banished all cheaters from the Baseball Hall of Fame. The hallowed Hall should be a sanctuary for the remembrance of players who brought nothing but purity to the game we all love. Instead of wasting time on finding a way to keep players from using steroids in the future, let’s send them a message that we are not going to put up with cheating of any kind, ever again. It is time to see that our greatest playground commandment, “cheaters never prosper,” finally is put into practice.
Where to start? Well, we already have a good start with baseball’s refusal to allow Pete Rose into the hall. So what if the all-time leader in hits is conspicuously absent from Cooperstown. Soon, the all-time homerun leader will be joining him by not joining him. There is speculation that the probable next heir to the homer throne will not be allowed in either. This is a good start, but it is only a start. The next step might be a bit stickier. How do we de-canonize the saints of summer?
The easiest ones to remove will be the ones who have admitted their guilt. First on the list: Gaylord Perry. How many of his 314 pitching victories were the result of doctoring the baseball might be hard to prove, but we don’t need to because he admitted his guilt in his autobiography, “Me and the Spitter.” Whether a player is doctoring his body or the baseball, cheating is cheating; off with his head (at least the engraving of it that is enshrined in Cooperstown.) And what about doctoring the bat? George Brett, take that pine-tarred bat and don’t let the Hall of Fame door hit you in the butt on your way out!
We all know that this generation of players will be forever designated the “Steroid Age” of baseball, but there have been other dark spots in the history of the sport. Oh sure, there are some people who might refer to those times as the “good old days,” but they obviously were not aware of the cheating that plagued the game. “Good old days” or not, those players need to be expurgated from the baseball shrine.
John McGraw, one of the most notorious cheaters in the early years of the National League, was so astute at breaking the rules that he is largely responsible for the sport having four umpires. As both a player and a manager, McGraw took every advantage he could of the fact that one umpire could not possible see all things at all times. In other words, he was a big cheater. Is it any coincidence that one of McGraw’s nicknames was “Muggsy”? What better cheater name is there than that. Toss “Muggsy out on his cheating keester.
Now we’re talking. It feels pretty good to get these low-lifes out of America’s Pastime. So, everyone of you Hall members who ever sharpened your spikes, stole signs, gave a base-runner a tug off the base, or even resorted to the old “Hey batter, batter, batter swing!” trick that Jimmy Dow used to get me with, you’ve been put on notice; we’re coming for you. By the time we are done, the Baseball Hall of Fame will house only the true, honest, decent people who should play this game. Hey, does anybody know what Mother Teresa’s slugging percentage is?